Some ways to liven up an otherwise dull trip to your local supermarket:

Make a trail of orange juice on the floor, leading to the rest rooms

Tell an employee in an official tone, “I think we’ve got a Code 3 in housewares,” and see what happens

Tune all the radios to a polka station; then turn them all off and turn the volumes to “10”

Move “Caution: Wet Floor” signs to carpeted areas

When someone asks if you need help, begin to cry and ask, “Why won’t you people just leave me alone?”

If the store has a food court, buy a soft drink; explain that you don’t get out much, and ask if they can put a little umbrella in it.

While handling guns in the hunting department, suddenly ask the clerk if he knows where the antidepressants are

Switch the men’s and women’s signs on the doors of the rest rooms.

Dart around suspiciously while humming the theme from “Mission Impossible.”

Set up a “Valet Parking” sign in front of the store

Hide in the clothing racks and when people browse through, say things like “pick me! pick me!”

When an announcement comes over the loudspeaker, assume the fetal position and scream, “No, no! It’s those voices again!”