These are (allegedly) genuine excuse notes from parents, including the original spelling, collected by schools from all over the United States.

My son is under a doctor’s care and should not take P.E. today. Please execute him

Please excuse Lisa for being absent. She was sick and I had her shot

Please excuse Gloria from Jim today. She is administrating

Please excuse Roland from P.E. for a few days. Yesterday he fell out of a tree and misplaced his hip

John has been absent because he had two teeth taken out of his face

Chris will not be in school cus he has an acre in his side

Please excuse Ray Friday from school. He has very loose vowels

Please excuse Pedro from being absent yesterday. He had diahre dyrea direathe the shits

Please excuse Tommy for being absent yesterday. He had diarrhea and his boots leak

Irving was absent yesterday because he missed his bust

Please excuse Jason for being absent yesterday. He had a cold and could not breed well

Please excuse Mary for being absent yesterday. She was in bed with gramps

Gloria was absent yesterday as she was having a gangover

Please excuse Jimmy for being. It was his father’s fault

My daughter was absent yesterday because she was tired. She spent a weekend with the Marines

Please excuse Jennifer for missing school yesterday. We forgot to get the Sunday paper off the porch, and when we found it Monday, we thought it was Sunday

Dear School: Please ekscuse John being absent on Jan. 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, and also 33rd

Carlos was absent yesterday because he was playing football. He was hurt in the growing part

Megan could not come to school today because she has been bothered by very close veins