Astrology   (Noun) The study of the positions and aspects of celestial bodies in the belief that they have an influence on the course of natural earthly occurrences and human affairs
Aquarius Jan. 20 – Feb. 22
You have a vivid imagination and often think you are being followed by the police or security services. You have minor influence over your associates and people resent you for your flaunting of your power. You lack confidence and are generally a coward.
Famous Aquarians: Rasputin, Eva Braun
Pisces Feb. 23 – Mar. 20
You have an inventive mind and are inclined to be progressive. You lie a great deal. On the other hand you are inclined to be careless and impractical causing you to make the same mistakes over and over again. People think you are stupid.
Famous Pisceans: Barbie, Robert Mugabe, Rupert Murdock
Aries Mar. 21 – Apr. 19
You are the pioneer type and hold most people in contempt. You are quick-tempered, impatient and scornful of advice. You are not very nice. Aries people do terrible things to small animals.
Famous Aquarians: Lucrezia Borgia, ‘Papa Doc’ Duvalier
Taurus Apr. 20 – May 20
You are practical and persistent. You have a dogged determination and work like hell. Most people think you are stubborn and bullheaded. Taurus people have BO and fart a lot.
Famous Taureans: Adolf Hitler, Pol Pot, Saddam Hussein
Gemini May 21 – June 20
You are a quick and intelligent thinker. People like you because you are bisexual. However you are inclined to expect too much for too little. This means you are cheap. Gemini’s are known for committing incest.
Famous Geminis: Robert Maxwell
Cancer June 21 – July 22
You think you are sympathetic and understanding of other people’s problems. They think you are a sucker. You are always putting things off. That’s why you’ll never make anything of yourself. Most welfare recipients are Cancer people.
Famous Cancerians: O.J. Simpson
Leo July 23 – Aug. 22
You consider yourself a born leader. Others think you are pushy. Most Leo people are bullies. You are vain and dislike honest criticism. Your arrogance is disgusting. Leo people are thieves.
Famous Leos: Leo Tolstoy, Leo Sayer, Leo the Lion
Virgo Aug. 23 – Sept. 22
You are the logical type and hate disorder. This nit-picking is sickening to your friends. You are cold and unemotional and sometimes fall asleep while making love. Virgos make good bus drivers.
Famous Virgos: Bashar al-Assad, Cardinal Richelieu
Libra Sept. 23 – Oct. 20
You have a difficult time with reality. If you are a man you are almost definitely homosexual. Chances for employment and monetary gains are excellent. Most Libra women are good prostitutes. All Librans have venereal disease.
Famous Librans: Silvio Burlusconi, Lee Harvey Oswald
Scorpio Oct. 21 — Nov. 20
You are shrewd in business and cannot be trusted. You will achieve the pinnacle of success because of your total lack of ethics. Most Scorpio people are murdered.
Famous Scorpios: Joseph Goebells, Charles Manson
Sagitarius Nov. 21 – Dec. 20
You are optimistic and enthusiastic. You have a reckless tendency to rely on luck since you lack talent. The majority of Sagitarians are drunks or dope fiends. People laugh at you a great deal.
Famous Sagitarians: Joseph Stalin, Augusto Pinochet
Capricorn Dec. 21 – Jan. 19
You are conservative and afraid of taking any risks. You don’t do much of anything and are lazy. There has never been a Capricorn of any importance. Capricorns should avoid standing still too long as dogs might think you are a tree and piss on you.
Famous Capricorns: None. (See comment about there having been no Capricorns of importance.)