Horrorscopes

You have a vivid imagination and often think you are being followed by the police or security services. You have minor influence over your associates and people resent you for your flaunting of your power. You lack confidence and are generally a coward.

Famous Aquarians: Rasputin; Eva Braun

You have an inventive mind and are inclined to be progressive. You lie a great deal. On the other hand you are inclined to be careless and impractical causing you to make the same mistakes over and over again. People think you are stupid.

Famous Pisceans: Barbie; Robert Mugabe; Rupert Murdock

You are the pioneer type and hold most people in contempt. You are quick-tempered, impatient and scornful of advice. You are not very nice. Aries people do terrible things to small animals.

Famous Aquarians: Lucrezia Borgia; ‘Papa Doc’ Duvalier

You are practical and persistent. You have a dogged determination and work like hell. Most people think you are stubborn and bullheaded. Taurus people have BO and fart a lot.

Famous Taureans: Adolf Hitler; Pol Pot; Saddam Hussein

You are a quick and intelligent thinker. People like you because you are bisexual. However you are inclined to expect too much for too little. This means you are cheap. Gemini’s are known for committing incest.

Famous Geminis: Robert Maxwell

You think you are sympathetic and understanding of other people’s problems. They think you are a sucker. You are always putting things off. That’s why you’ll never make anything of yourself. Most welfare recipients are Cancer people.

Famous Cancerians: O.J. Simpson

You consider yourself a born leader. Others think you are pushy. Most Leo people are bullies. You are vain and dislike honest criticism. Your arrogance is disgusting. Leo people are thieves.

Famous Leos: Leo Tolstoy; Leo Sayer; Leo the Lion

You are the logical type and hate disorder. This nit-picking is sickening to your friends. You are cold and unemotional and sometimes fall asleep while making love. Virgos make good bus drivers.

Famous Virgos: Bashar al-Assad; Cardinal Richelieu

You have a difficult time with reality. If you are a man you are almost definitely homosexual. Chances for employment and monetary gains are excellent. Most Libran women are good prostitutes. All Librans have venereal disease.

Famous Librans: Silvio Burlusconi; Lee Harvey Oswald; Me (though I’m only famous in my own head)

You are shrewd in business and cannot be trusted. You will achieve the pinnacle of success because of your total lack of ethics. Most Scorpio people are murdered.

Famous Scorpios: Joseph Goebells, Charles Manson

You are optimistic and enthusiastic. You have a reckless tendency to rely on luck since you lack talent. The majority of Sagitarians are drunks or dope fiends. People laugh at you a great deal.

Famous Sagitarians: Joseph Stalin, Augusto Pinochet

You are conservative and afraid of taking any risks. You don’t do much of anything and are lazy. There has never been a Capricorn of any importance. Capricorns should avoid standing still too long as dogs might think you are a tree and piss on you.

Famous Capricorns: None. (See comment above)

Unimportant Note (1):

Some people are born ‘on the cusp’ – meaning at the end of one star sign and the beginning of another – and many believe this means you may have the personality type of the preceeding (or following, obviously) planetary house. This isn’t true. You will have both, but be schizophrenic. An interesting sub-group are those with multiple personalities. Such people are recalling previous lives, where naturally they will probably have been born under a different sign each time.

Unimportant Note (2):

These definitions of personality types have not been adjusted to take into account NASA’s recalibration of zodiac dates. It is possible, therefore, that for some people the assessment here is not accurate. However, this is not a cause for relief. It simply means that you fall within the scope of the preceeding definition. Also, whilst NASA was quick to rebuff rumours of their discovery of a thirteenth sign of the zodiac – Ophiucus – it does, in fact, exist. However, unlike the other signs it is not date based, but is determined by a far more ancient and fundamental law of the universe. Please see below for more details.

You have all of the very worst traits of the other houses. You are proud of this. You are shameless, self-seeking, and self-aggrandising. You believe that the rest of the world is conspiring against you. This is, in most instances, true. Even other Ophiucians dislike you.

Typical Ophiucians: All bankers; most politicians; Piers Morgan