Recorded on Sunday, the 16th of November 2003 at the Devonshire Park Theatre in Eastbourne and first broadcast on Monday, the 1st of December 2003. (Repeated on the 7th of December.)
Chair: Humphrey Lyttelton Pianist: Colin Sell Scorer: Samantha Producer: Jon Naismith Programme Consultant: Iain Pattinson


Barry Cryer and Graeme Garden   -v-   Tim Brooke-Taylor and Jeremy Hardy

Humphrey Lyttelton "Noted historic buildings in Eastbourne include The Old Manor House, where recent restoration work has revealed a hidden wall mosaic and a priest hole but despite putting traps down, they haven't caught him yet. … With its close proximity to France these days Eastbourne is a popular summer choice for students on school shop-lifting exchanges. … A regular summer visitor here was the writer Richmal Crompton, who was responsible for bring us the amusing little character Martin Jarvis."
Round 1: Sexing Up
Jeremy Hardy "Back Passage To India" Graeme Garden "19 … 84. Who cares about the age difference?" Barry Cryer "Star Whoas" Tim Brooke-Taylor "Swallow An Amazon"


Round 2: One Song to the Tune of Another
Tim Brooke-Taylor Honey Honey  to the tune of House of The Rising Sun Barry Cryer Barbara-Ann  to the tune of Tchaikovsky's Piano Concerto No. 1
Jeremy Hardy Teenage Dirtbag  to the tune of Early One Morning Graeme Garden A Windmill In Amsterdam  to the tune of Mr. Tambourine Man


Round 3: Quiz   Why?
Humphrey Lyttelton "In fact, our own Barry Cryer used to ask so many stupid questions as a youngster that his mother took him to a child psycologist. But when he couldn't help, she took Barry to an adult one instead."
humphrey-lyttelton "Why is it rude to pick your nose?" Jeremy Hardy "Well, it's not necessarily rude to pick your nose, so long as you share."
jeremy-hardy "Why do the Tories bother to change their leader?" Tim Brooke-Taylor "To get to the other side."


Round 4: Cheddar Gorge   A postcard from Eastbourne
Humphrey Lyttelton "… but if I detect a full stop has been reached, you'll hear this …" [Sound of bulb horn] "… as I tap this bullfrog with my mallet."


Round 5: Censored Songs
Jeremy Hardy Tim Brooke-Taylor South Pacific medley Barry Cryer Graeme Garden The King And I medley


Round 6: Theatre Club   Fishermen's Theatre Club
Graeme Garden "Rozencrantz And Guildenstern Are Dabs" Jeremy Hardy "Calamarie Jane" Tim Brooke-Taylor "When The Bait Comes In" Barry Cryer "Thoroughly Modern Mullet"


Humphrey Lyttelton "And so, as the coal face of time is hewn by the miner of destiny, and the colliery manager of fate is arrested for employing under-age labour …"