Recorded on Tuesday, the 16th of October 2007 at the Fairfield Halls in Croydon and first broadcast on Monday, the 12th of November 2007. (Repeated on the 18th of November.)
Chair: Humphrey Lyttelton Pianist: Colin Sell Scorer: Samantha Producer: Jon Naismith Programme Consultant: Iain Pattinson


Barry Cryer and Graeme Garden   -v-   Tim Brooke-Taylor and Rob Brydon

Humphrey Lyttelton "We are today guests of the Fairfield Halls, which found national fame as the home of professional wrestling. When ITV decided to stop broadcasting wrestling, the Fairfield Halls claimed they were badly hurt by the loss of revenue … but they weren't really."
Round 1: Inadvisable Openings
Barry Cryer Robinson Crusoe, by Daniel Defoe: "Oh, there's the ship now."
Graeme Garden If, by Rudyard Kipling: "If … this ever becomes Britain's favourite poem, I'll eat my hat."
Tim Brooke-Taylor Lord of the Rings, by J.R.R. Tolkien: "'Bilbo,' said Frodo, 'the invisible cloak isn't working. Put it away.'"


Round 2: One Song to the Tune of Another
Barry Cryer The Whelk Song  to the tune of Whispering Grass Tim Brooke-Taylor Hey Little Hen  to the tune of Bridge Over Troubled Water
Graeme Garden The Ugly Duckling  to the tune of The Can Can Rob Brydon Who Do You Think You Are Kidding, Mr Hitler?  to the tune of Yesterday Once More


Round 3: Incomplete   Greetings Cards
Humphrey Lyttelton "… and I warn the audience, it's quite likely I shall throw up in the middle of this. … It says 'finally', then it goes on for pages."


Round 4: DIY Drama   A Maritime Story
Rob Brydon "What's that, Skippy? You can do dolphin impressions?"
Graeme Garden "Over my dead body!" [Sound of gunshot] "I didn't think that through, did I?"


Round 5: Late Arrivals   The Hairdressers' Ball
Humphrey Lyttelton "It's very nearly the end of the show … " [Audience cries 'ahhhh'] " … I know. I agree with you, but I put it in a slightly different way. Like 'Hurrah!'"
Tim Brooke-Taylor "Mr & Mrs. Sides, and their diminuitve daughter Anne, who plays in defence for the Arsenal ladies team - that's the short back Anne Sides"
Rob Brydon "Mr & Mrs. Bit-Off-The-Bottom, and their daughter Lil"


Humphrey Lyttelton "Before we go, I'm required to make an apology. We very much regret that the trailor for this programme appeared to make Her Majesty The Queen look grumpy, impatient and sour faced. This was due to a failure in our editing process. We didn't do any."