Recorded on Sunday, the 17th of May 2009 at the Mayflower Theatre in Southampton and first broadcast on Monday, the 29th of June 2009. (Repeated on the 5th of July.)
Chair: Jack Dee Pianist: Colin Sell Scorer: Samantha Producer: Jon Naismith Programme Consultant: Iain Pattinson


Barry Cryer and Graeme Garden   -v-   Tim Brooke-Taylor and Jeremy Hardy

Jack Dee "Originally called The Empire this theatre was built in 1928. For the time the theatre boasted unheard of luxury, providing fine views over Southampton Water and down into the docks. But the fun ended when he fitted curtains to his surgery."
Round 1: Cautionary Signs and Labels
Jack Dee "OK, we start with a round which does exactly what it says on the tin: 'May cause drowsiness'."
Tim Brooke-Taylor "Warning: Lord Mandelson. Caution, could be slippery when talking" Barry Cryer "Roll-on Mum Deodorant: 'Unscrew top and push up bottom'."
Graeme Garden "This door is alarmed ... and the window's a bit jumpy too." Jeremy Hardy "Outside RBoS headquarters: 'Management Are Not Responsible'."


Round 2: One Song to the Tune of Another
Barry Cryer My Ding-A-Ling  to the tune of The Dambusters' March Tim Brooke-Taylor Psycho Killer  to the tune of Ruler of The Queen's Navy
Graeme Garden Grandma, We Love You  to the tune of O Sole Mio Jeremy Hardy So Macho  to the tune of The Marseillaise
Jack Dee [Aloud] "Thank you very much, Barry." [Aside] "It's like doing a show in sheltered accommodation."


Round 3: Historical Voicemail
jack-dee Admiral Lord Nelson Tim Brooke-Taylor "Hello, Emma Hamilton here. I count the hours until once more I'm in your arm."
tim-brooke-taylor Julius Caesar Graeme Garden "Hello, Mr. Caesar. This Jack, calling from the regional planning office regarding your planning application to divide all Gaul into three parts. Just to confirm, it is three parts not four? Because that would require an RPO 3-7/ i … ha-ha-ha, ha-ha-ha … and I presume you have no intention of having a conservatory. Bye-bye."


Round 4: Blankety Blank   Noel Edmonds
graeme-garden "I kept bombarding the pirate radio stations with tapes that I made in the tiny studio I'd created in my … " Jeremy Hardy " … beard."
jeremy-hardy "Eventually I was given a job making trailers and … " Barry Cryer " … sometimes caravans."
barry-cryer "I quickly set about making myself … " Graeme Garden " … unpopular."


Round 5: 84 Chicken Cross Road
Barry Cryer Graeme Garden Dan Brown Jeremy Hardy Tim Brooke-Taylor Pope Benedict


Round 6: Film Club   Bankers' Film Club
Barry Cryer "The Savings Of Private Ryan" Jeremy Hardy "The Bridging Loans Of Madison County"
Tim Brooke-Taylor "Home Loan" … "Home Loan 2" Graeme Garden "Bring Me The Statement Of Alfredo Garcia"


Jack Dee " … as the curious kitten of time peers through the washing machine window of fate, before the housewife of destiny opens the door to let it out …"