We all enjoy a good party. Here is a handy guide on how to enjoy it to the max.
| Symptom | Beer unusually pale and tasteless | Fault | Glass empty. | Action | Get someone to buy you another beer |
| Symptom | Opposite wall covered with fluorescent lights | Fault | You have fallen over backward | Action | Have yourself lashed to bar |
| Symptom | Beer tasteless, front of your shirt is wet | Fault | Mouth not open, or glass applied to wrong area of face | Action | Retire to restroom, practise in mirror |
| Symptom | Mouth contains cigarette butt | Fault | You have fallen forward | Action | See above |
| Symptom | Floor blurred | Fault | You are looking through bottom of empty glass | Action | Get someone to buy you another beer |
| Symptom | Floor moving | Fault | You are being carried out | Action | Find out if you are being taken to another bar |
| Symptom | Room seems unusually dark | Fault | Bar has closed | Action | Confirm home address with bartender |
| Symptom | Everyone looks up to you and smiles | Fault | You are dancing on the table | Action | Fall on somebody cushy-looking |
| Symptom | Beer is crystal-clear | Fault | It’s water. Somebody is trying to sober you up | Action | Punch him |
| Symptom | Hands hurt, nose hurts, mind unusually clear | Fault | You have been in a fight | Action | Apologise to everyone you see, just in case it was them |
| Symptom | Don’t recognise anyone, don’t recognize the room you’re in | Fault | You’ve wandered into the wrong party | Action | See if they have free beer |
| Symptom | Your singing sounds distorted | Fault | The beer is too weak | Action | Have more beer until your voice improves |
| Symptom | Taxi suddenly takes on colourful aspect and textures | Fault | Beer consumption has exceeded personal limitation | Action | Cover mouth |