Party Guide

We all enjoy a good party. Here is a handy guide on how to enjoy it to the max.

Symptom Beer unusually pale and tasteless
Fault Glass empty.
Action Get someone to buy you another beer
Symptom Opposite wall covered with fluorescent lights
Fault You have fallen over backward
Action Have yourself lashed to bar
Symptom Beer tasteless, front of your shirt is wet
Fault Mouth not open, or glass applied to wrong area of face
Action Retire to restroom, practise in mirror
Symptom Mouth contains cigarette butt
Fault You have fallen forward
Action See above
Symptom Floor blurred
Fault You are looking through bottom of empty glass
Action Get someone to buy you another beer
Symptom Floor moving
Fault You are being carried out
Action Find out if you are being taken to another bar
Symptom Room seems unusually dark
Fault Bar has closed
Action Confirm home address with bartender
Symptom Everyone looks up to you and smiles
Fault You are dancing on the table
Action Fall on somebody cushy-looking
Symptom Beer is crystal-clear
Fault It’s water. Somebody is trying to sober you up
Action Punch him
Symptom Hands hurt, nose hurts, mind unusually clear
Fault You have been in a fight
Action Apologise to everyone you see, just in case it was them
Symptom Don’t recognise anyone, don’t recognize the room you’re in
Fault You’ve wandered into the wrong party
Action See if they have free beer
Symptom Your singing sounds distorted
Fault The beer is too weak
Action Have more beer until your voice improves
Symptom Taxi suddenly takes on colourful aspect and textures
Fault Beer consumption has exceeded personal limitation
Action Cover mouth
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