What I’ve Learned

I’ve learned that you cannot make someone love you. All you can do is stalk them and hope they panic and give in
I’ve learned that no matter how much I care, some people are just arseholes
I’ve learned that it takes years to build up trust, and it only takes suspicion, not proof, to destroy it
I’ve learned that we are all responsible for what we do, unless we are celebrities
I’ve learned that you shouldn’t compare yourself to others; they are more screwed up than you think
I’ve learned that you can keep puking long after you think you’re finished
I’ve learned that you can get by on charm for about fifteen minutes. After that, you’d better have a big weenie or huge boobs
I’ve learned that regardless of how hot and steamy a relationship is at first, the passion fades, and there had better be a lot of money to take its place
I’ve learned that no matter how you try to protect your children, they will eventually get arrested and end up in the local paper
I’ve learned that the people you care most about in life are taken from you too soon and all the less important ones just never go away
I’ve learned to say “fuck ’em if they can’t take a joke” in six languages
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