Chain Mail? Grrr!

I hate receiving chain mail. It’s even worse than spam because it’s usually from ‘friends’. I’m putting ‘friends’ in quote marks here because if you’re including me in these things you really don’t know me as well as you thought you did! I came across the message below ages ago, and still send it out every now and then in response to being the recipient of one of these things.

Not all chain mail is bad. This 15th century
mail shirt sold for $2.3m in 2015.
If you want to send me something like this,
that would be fine.

To: Whoever
From: BKasaar@—–.com
CC: The Whole Bloody World
Subject: Re.: Pass This On To 20 People Within 24 hrs

Hello, my name is Basmati Kasaar. I am suffering from rare and deadly diseases, poor scores on final exams, extreme virginity, fear of being kidnapped and executed by anal electrocution, and guilt for not forwarding fifty billion chain letters sent to me by people who actually believe that if you send them on, then that poor six-year-old girl in Arkansas with a breast on her forehead will be able to raise enough money to have it removed before her redneck parents sell her off to the travelling freak show.

Do you honestly believe that Bill Gates is going to give you and everyone you send “his” email to $1000? How stupid are you? “Ooooh, looky here! If I scroll down this page and make a wish, I’ll get laid by every Playboy model in the magazine!” What a pile of bullshit.

So, basically, this message is a big F**K YOU to all the people out there who have nothing better to do than to forward stupid chain mail. Maybe the evil chain letter leprechauns will come into my apartment and sodomize me in my sleep for not continuing the chain which was started by Jesus in 5 A.D. and was brought to this country by midget pilgrims on the Mayflower, and if it makes it to the year 2030 will be in the Guinness Book of World Records for longest continuous streak of blatant stupidity.

If you’re going to forward me something, at least send something mildly amusing. I’ve seen all the “send this to fifty of your closest friends, and this poor, wretched excuse for a human being will somehow receive a nickel from some omniscient being” forwards about ninety times. I don’t care. Show a little intelligence and think about what you’re actually contributing to by sending out forwards. Chances are it’s your own unpopularity.

The point being? If you get some chain letter that’s threatening to leave you shagless or luckless for the rest of your life, delete it. If it’s funny, send it on. Don’t piss people off by making them feel guilty about a leper in Botswana with no teeth, who’s been tied to a dead elephant for twenty-seven years, and whose only saviour is the 5 cents per letter he’ll receive if you forward this mail.


Now forward this to everyone you know. Otherwise, tomorrow morning your underwear will turn carnivorous and consume your genitals.

Basmati K

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