We all know about practising safer sex, that we should always use a condom, and that we should use a water not oil based lube. But for beginners, here are a few “Do”s and “Don’t”s that are less well known.
| DO | Put it on your penis, not your nose | |
| DO | Tie it up afterwards | |
| DON’T | Produce a tattered packet that looks as though you’ve been carrying it around hopefully for the last three years | |
| DON’T | Blow one up like a balloon, then let go so it whizzes round the room making a farty noise and laugh uproariously | |
| DON’T | Hang the used ones off the end of the bed like scalps | |
| DON’T | Put used condoms in the bin – especially if you own a dog or have a small child who might run into the kitchen when you’ve got guests shouting, “Look what I’ve found – what is it ?” | |
| DON’T | Stock up at motorway service stations. They cost £1 each and are thick enough to fit on a formula one racing car | |
| DON’T | Attempt to reuse a condom after a false start. They are virtually impossible to roll up again (or so my friend Martyn tells me) | |
| DON’T | Use Fiesta without warning your partner. Even then, it’s advisable to eschew the yellow ones, or where sunglasses | |
| DON’T | Use the Durex machine in the King’s Arms, Huddersfield – it is rigged to sirens and flashing lights in the public bar | |