Our differing attitudes to day-to-day objects and events show there are more than just physical differences between men and women.
| Sex | Women prefer 30-40 minutes of foreplay. Men prefer 30-40 seconds of foreplay. Men believe that driving back to her place is part of the foreplay | |
| Cleaning | Women will regularly dust and vacuum only surfaces that can be seen. They will be particularly active when another woman is coming round. Men will only clean if their mother or a potential girlfriend is coming round. However, once they start, they will move all of a room’s furniture out onto the lawn so they can get at the carpet. | |
| Maturity | Women mature much faster than men. Most 17-year old females can function as adults. Most 17-year old males are still putting up posters of football heroes and having spitting competitions with their mates. This is why school romances rarely work out. | |
| Magazines | Men’s magazines often feature pictures of naked women. Women’s magazines also feature pictures of naked women. This is because the female body is a beautiful work of art, while the male body is lumpy and hairy and should not be seen by the light of day. Men are turned on at the sight of a naked woman’s body. Most naked men elicit laughter from women. | |
| Handwriting | Men do not decorate their penmanship. They just ‘chicken-scratch’. Women use scented, coloured stationery and dot their ‘i’s with circles and hearts. Women use ridiculously large loops in their ‘p’s and “g’s”. It is usually very hard to read a note from a woman. Even when she’s dumping someone, she’ll put a smiley face at the end of the note. | |
| Comedy | If a small group of men and women are in a room watching television and an episode of the Three Stooges comes on, the men will get very excited; they will laugh uproariously and even try to imitate the actions of Curly, man’s favourite Stooge. The women will roll their eyes and groan and wait for it to end. | |
| Bathrooms | A man has six items in his bathroom – a toothbrush, toothpaste, shaving cream, a razor, a bar of soap and a towel from a Holiday Inn. The average number of items in the typical woman’s bathroom is 437. A man would not be able to identify most of these items. | |
| Groceries | A woman makes a list of things she needs and then goes out to the store and buys these things. A man waits till the only items left in his fridge are half an onion and a can of beer. Then he goes shopping (after drinking the beer). He buys everything that looks good. By the time a man reaches the checkout, his trolley is piled higher than the Clampett’s car on The Beverly Hillbillies. Of course, this will not stop him from going to the 10-items-or-less till. | |
| Shoes | When preparing for work, a woman will put on a suit from Next and then slip on comfortable shoes. She will carry her dress shoes in a plastic bag from M&S. When she gets to work, she will put on her dress shoes. Five minutes later, she will kick them off because her feet are under the desk. A man will wear the same pair of shoes from 6am till Midnight. | |
| Leg Warmers | Leg warmers are sexy. A woman, even if she’s walking the dog or doing the dishes, is allowed to wear leg warmers. She can wear them any time she wants. A man can only wear leg warmers if he is auditioning for the “Gimme the Ball” number in “A Chorus Line.” | |
| Going Out | When a man says he is ready to go out, it means he is ready to go out. When a woman says she is ready to go out, it means she WILL be ready to go out, as soon as she finds her earrings, finishes putting on her makeup, checks her hair, empties and rearranges her handbag, tidies the bedroom, cleans her teeth, redoes her lipstick……… | |
| Cats | Women love cats. Men say they love cats, but when women aren’t looking, men kick them. | |
| Offspring | A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and soccer games and romances and best friends and favourite foods and secret fears and hopes and dreams. A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house. | |
| Low Blows | If a man and a woman are watching a boxing match on TV and one of the boxers is hit between the legs, the woman says, “Oh. That must have hurt.” The man groans, breaks into a sweat and doubles over and actually FEELS the pain. | |
| Dressing Up | A woman will dress up to: go shopping, water the plants, empty the bins, answer the phone, read a book, get the mail. A man will dress up for: weddings and funerals. | |
| Danny Baker | Men think Danny Baker is the funniest man on the face of the Earth. Women think he is a fat, football fixated slob who always has a bad haircut. | |
| Laundry | Women do laundry every couple of days. A man will wear every article of clothing he owns, including the Hawaiian shirts that were hip about eight years ago, before he will do his laundry. When he is finally out of clothes, he will wear a dirty sweatshirt inside out, rent a van, and take his mountain of clothes to the laundrette. Men always expect to meet beautiful women at the laundromat. This is a myth. | |
| Weddings | When reminiscing about weddings, women talk about “the ceremony”. Men talk about “the stag night”. | |
| Nicknames | If Gloria, Suzanne, Deborah and Michelle go out for lunch, they will call each other Gloria, Suzanne, Deborah and Michelle. But if Mike, Dave, Rob and Jack go out for a beer, they will affectionately refer to each other as Dumbo, Godzilla, Peanut-Head and Tosser. | |
| Eating Out | … and when the bill comes, Mike, Dave, Rob and Jack will each throw in £10 notes, even though it’s only for £22.50. None of them will have anything smaller, and none will actually admit they want change back. When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators. | |
| Mirrors | Men are vain; they will check themselves out in a mirror. Women are ridiculous; they will check out their reflections in any shiny surface: mirrors, spoons, shop windows etc. etc. etc. | |
| Menopause | When a woman reaches menopause, she goes through a variety of complicated biological, emotional and psychological changes. The nature and degree of these changes varies with the individual. Menopause in a man provokes a uniform reaction – he buys Rayban sunglasses, grows a beard and goes shopping for a Porsche. | |
| The Phone | Men see the telephone as a communication tool. They use the telephone to send short messages to other people. A woman can visit her girlfriend for two weeks, and upon returning home, will call the same friend and talk for three hours. | |
| Directions | If a woman is out driving, and she finds herself in unfamiliar surroundings, she will stop at a garage and ask for directions. Men consider this to be a sign of weakness. Men will never stop and ask for directions. Men will drive in a circle for hours, all the while saying things like, “Looks like I’ve found a new way to get there” and “I know its round here somewhere, trust me!” | |
| Richard Gere | Women like Richard Gere because he is sexy in a dangerous way. Men hate Richard Gere because he reminds them of that slick guy who works at the health club and dates only married women. | |
| Madonna | Same as above, but reversed. Same reason. | |
| Toys | Little girls love to play with toys. Then when they reach the age of 11 or 12, they lose interest. Men never grow out of their obsession with toys. As they get older, their toys simply become more expensive and silly and impractical. Examples of men’s toys: Miniature TV’s. Mobile phones. Complicated juicers and blenders. Graphic equalisers. Home computers. Video games. Anything that blinks or beeps, and requires at least 6 batteries to operate. | |
| Plants | A woman asks a man to water her plants while she is on holiday. The man waters the plants. The woman comes home five or six days later to a house full of dead plants. No one knows why this happens. | |
| Cameras | Men take photography very seriously. They’ll shell out £1000 for state of the art equipment, and build dark rooms and take photography classes. Women purchase Kodak Instamatics. Of course, women always end up taking better pictures. | |
| Changing Rooms | In the changing room men talk about three things: money, football, and women. They exaggerate about money, they don’t know football nearly as well as they think they do, and they fabricate stories about women. Women talk about one thing in the changing room – sex. And not in abstract terms, either. They are extremely graphic and technical, and they never lie. | |
| Garages | Women use garages to park their cars and store their lawnmowers. Men use garages for many things. They hang signs in garages, they watch TV in garages, they play with their toys in garages and they build useless lopsided benches in garages. | |
| Movies | Every actress in the history of movies has had to do a nude scene. This is because every movie in the history of movies has been produced by a man. The only actor who has ever appeared nude in the movies is Richard Gere. This is another reason why men hate him. | |
| Jewellery | Women look nice when they wear jewellery. A man can get away with wearing one ring and that’s it. Any more than that and he will look like a pub singer named Vic. | |
| Time | When a woman says she’ll be ready to go out in five more minutes, she’s using the same meaning of time as when a man says the football game on TV will be over in five minutes. | |
| Conversation | Men need a good disagreement to get talking, e.g., “Great movie.”, “What are you, nuts? No REAL cop would have an Uzi that size.”, “Well, maybe he got it because he knew about those Mafia guys”, etc. Women, not having this problem, try to initiate conversations with men by saying something agreeable: “That garden looks nice.” “Mm hmm.” Pause. “That was a good restaurant last night, wasn’t it?” “Yeah.” Pause. And so on. | |
| Friends | Women on a girls’ night out talk the whole time. Men on a boys’ night out say about twenty words all night, most of which are “Whose round is it” or “How ‘bout a curry?” | |
| Flu’ | Women get flu’ and carry on as if it doesn’t matter unless there’s a sale on at their favourite shop, in which case their flu’ will be bad enough to take time off work, then miraculously clear up enough for going to the shops to be good therapy. Men do not get flu’. Men get “Manflu'”. Whatever it was before, it immediately mutates into a very virulent illness causing them to become little children. Manflu’ is not nearly as potent when there is football on the tele. | |
| Toilets | Men use toilets for purely biological reasons. Women use toilets as social clubs. Men in a toilet will never speak a word to each other. Women who’ve never met will leave a toilet giggling together like old friends. And never in the history of the world has a man excused himself from a restaurant table by saying, “Hey Tom, I’m off for a pee. Do you want to join me?” | |